Wife Aggro. For the non-gamers, I will explain. Wife aggro is the term used when a wife becomes irritated with and aggressive toward her husband’s chosen activity. This hostile behavior can be expressed with sour looks, whining, revenge, nagging, yelling tirades, tears, pouting or cold shoulders. Although a gaming term, wife aggro is provoked by any number of spouse activities: football, golf, smoking, laying around, hanging out with friends, playing video games, gambling, even car washing! Any activity she doesn’t like or deem “right” can become a big red button of rage.
Since I am a wife, hence a woman, I’m going to harp on you girls. Shame on you! Shame on me! Contentious, combative behavior has no place anywhere in our marriages, no matter what the circumstance.
No amount of nagging, pouting or shouting will transform your husband into your ideal.
Proverbs says that a wife who shames her husband is like bone cancer. She is deadly. Her goal, whether she recognizes it or not, is to cause pain and destroy her husband. If God says rotten bones are the result of reproaching your husband, how can you think nagging will improve him? Proverbs describes the argumentative, harping wife much like the winter weather we get here in Seattle…gray and drippy wet. How can something so depressing transform your husband into Prince Charming? More likely you are going to end up with an ogre! Proverbs also says a husband would rather sleep on the sofa than be around wife aggro. Your aggressive behavior will drive him away, not endear him to you. When confronted with wife aggro, the husband will choose either fight or flight.
Proverbs 27 says that a complaining, nagging woman is unrestrainable. It is easier to harness a tornado. She is out of control. How hopeless a husband who is faced with this must feel? You may be convincing him not to change, but to avoid you. Instead of motivating him to do what you want, you are sucking the life from him and pointing him toward depression. Complaining about your spouse’s behavior will only succeed in wrecking your marriage, not improving it.
You married a man, not a child. Treat him like one.
Yes, even when you think he is acting childish, treat him like a man. What does this mean?
You don’t need to tell him right from wrong. He knows. He can decide for himself. Let him.
A man has responsibilities. This means when he does not fulfill his responsibilities, he has consequences to face. He is strong enough to face them, and will rise to the challenge. When you take over those responsibilities, he is no longer a man, but a child that you are picking up after.
You talk at a child to teach him when he is wrong, you talk with a man to understand him. Try assuming he is always right. Yes, I know you all burst into loud laughter at that thought, but really, what will it hurt but your pride to try it for a month or so? When he realizes that you expect him to be right, he will weigh his actions differently. Don’t agree to disagree, agree. I’m telling you, this is the quickest way to finding your Prince Charming. And, listening to him explain a birdie or why he chose a rogue over a warrior will transform you into his beautiful princess!
God is on your side…when you are on His.
We all live with men we want to improve. And, we all have an idea of what that improvement should look like. After all, it is much easier to see his faults than our own. But if you believe me when I say that no amount of nagging, pouting or shouting will transform your husband into your ideal, then you may be wondering if there is any hope at all to seeing change in this man you’ve vowed to enjoy for the rest of your life! There is!
Wives, God wants your husband to be righteous (live in the right way) more than you do! That puts God on your side! And that places your hope in the right place; not on your man, but on God. That also motivates a different kind of behavior in you. 1 Peter says that holy women in the past placed their confidence in God, and then made themselves beautiful for their husbands by putting their husband’s desires first. They found out what their husbands wanted and then got behind it. But notice, their confidence (or hope) was properly placed before they changed their behavior.
A woman who places her confidence in her husband is asking for misery, because most men (and women) will mess up. When a husband fails, a woman who placed all her hope on him, will be devastated and will become bitter. But, a woman who trusted that God will care for her and is working all things toward the best end, will find forgiveness easy to give and will worry less for her future. She is able to support her husband, even in his failure, because her strength is in God.
Let me explain how this looked in my marriage.
My husband’s dream early in our marriage was to own a successful small business. This meant he had to raise money that we did not have. Well, I worried. How would we pay it back if the business failed? Is it right to borrow so much? The old adage, “Neither borrower nor lender be…” echoed round and round. I nagged him about it. I questioned him countless times about the rightness of it. I did not support his decisions. Then, I woke one night sweating and panicking, terrified of the life of debt he was leading us into. A verse whispered to me from my memory, “When I am afraid, I will trust.” And that was my rebuke and my salvation. I did not trust God enough to live with my husband in a beautiful way. That night I confessed my doubts and proved my faith in God by supporting my husband’s efforts and working my ass off however I could to ensure success. My fear evaporated and so did my wife aggro.
Let God do the changing. Don’t get in the way.
God wants my husband to be godly more than I do. But, the change did not happen in a comfortable way. What change does? For us, change only happened through a failed business and many years of paying off debt. But in the trials, godliness began to take shape. I noticed my husband learning lessons with humility. And surprisingly, so was I. When I stopped being a disagreeable, nagging wife, I was opening the door for God to change my husband for me.
Many times, it takes failure or bad consequences to prod us into changing. As wives, we fear God spanking our husbands because we know it will hurt us too! So we nag and warn and try to motivate them to change without letting God simply bust in and do some discipline, if that is what it takes.
If you are a Christian wife who recognizes you are giving your husband wife aggro, will you begin to trust God and learn to be beautiful by getting behind your husband’s desires instead of blasting them? God will bless you both when you do.