Domestic Violence: Report the abuser or suffer through it?
My teaching and counseling has blossomed over the last five years. And in that short time, I seem to hear the same questions voiced over and over. One of the more common is, should a woman who is being abused by her spouse suffer through it? Of course there are many factors involved. Are both Christians? What type of abuse, and what are the specifics of the abuse? Are both members of a church practicing church discipline? Is the abuse extending to the children? Is the spouse getting help? Here are a few guiding principles that can be applied regardless of the answers to the preceding questions.
God is concerned and hears the cries of the battered wife.
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” He hears the desire of the afflicted. He encourages them and listens to their cry. He defends the oppressed. The Lord champions the cries of the abused wife. He wants her to call out for protection. He notices the injustice and hates oppression. He is concerned.
In the Bible, there are examples of God hearing the cries of the oppressed and moving with anger and power to smash the oppressor. There are also examples of when God allows the oppressed to continue to suffer for a time, even to death. This does not mean the victim deserves the abuse and the tormentor is justified, but that God has a greater purpose and a greater joy planned ahead.
Christ, the abused Messiah, is her example.
The book of 1 Peter is written for the abused Christian. Peter encourages the abused to endure suffering as God Himself endured suffering by the hands of those He loved.
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 1 Peter 3:22
Christ was not FORCED to stay in His suffering situation. He had but to open his mouth, declare His true innocence, and call the armies of Heaven to free Him. But, Christ submitted to the suffering as God’s will, and staid his place. This is the example. This is the High Calling of all believers to follow. An abused wife is able, because of Christ’s power, to remain in an abusive situation and shine brightly as God’s instrument of grace in a dark, sinful situation. But, I don’t believe it must be applied blindly to every circumstance, because…
God asks us to follow the law of the land.
It is important to remember the context of the book. Read along side of history, we learn that the slave-beating and even wife-beating abusers were not breaking, or even stretching, Roman law. Slaves and women were property. The Christian slave and wife had no recourse or safe haven within Roman jurisdiction. To submit to the governmental authority of that day meant they must stay in the abusive situation.
I believe, because we as modern Christians are under a different government than the original readers of 1 Peter, we are to submit to different laws. An abused wife today is not under the same injunction as the abused wife in the 1st century. American laws provide safe haven for the battered family. There is recourse and justice to be found through the God-given authority of our government. The modern, abused wife can seek help and require her husband to answer for his disobedient and wicked actions, because battery and assault are illegal. Our government is given us by God “to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.” Praise God for a government that comforts the oppressed and punishes the oppressor!
And so, a wife who is being abused by her husband today has been given a choice, unlike the wife living in the 1st century. She can choose to not report her spouse out of love (not fear, for we are not called to live with a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline), risking further abuse, but seeking to win him through gracious living into changing his behavior to please God. Or, she can seek shelter and find relief and justice in the laws of the land, possibly seeking divorse if the husband does not repent his actions through the process of church discipline. It is the woman herself who must prayerfully make her decision before God, hopefully with wise and godly counselors standing beside her.
What if the children are being abused?
It is interesting to note that God placed permanency on the marriage relationship, not the parent/child relationship. The child is to leave the parent, but remain with his spouse. The spouse vows to remain with the other through thick and thin until death parts them. The child makes no such vow. An abused wife can choose to honor her vows, but should not force, nor allow, her children to be harmed when she has the means to care for their safety. Abused children should be removed to safety regardless of what the wife chooses to do.
Divorse may be an option.
There are many complications, and rarely is an domestic abuse situation simple. What if the wife doesn’t leave, but reports her husband for child abuse, won’t the kids be taken away and raised by strangers? Shouldn’t the wife leave the husband as well to care for her children? Why make things worse for the kids? Such a destructive sin as violence to loved ones leaves complicated and hard circumstances in its wake. Without the instruction of the Lord to guide our way through, we are left with relying on situational ethics, and our emotions to take the lead.
The goal in every relationship for a Christian is repentence, forgiveness and reconciliation. It is the same in the case of abuse in the marriage. It is the same in the case of adultery in the marriage. It is the same in the case of bickering in the marriage! The differences between these cases are options. Jesus states clearly that divorce is only an option in the case of adultery. Paul addresses the case of an unbeliever leaving the believer, and says that divorce should follow abandonment. So, I believe, adultery and abandonment are two circumstances a believer may divorce in good conscience. Another case may involve following the steps of church dicipline, declaring the unrepentant husband an unbeliever and releasing the wife to divorse him.
God will give you wisdom, strength and grace to decide what is right when you seek to do His will. And that’s a promise.
Lessons in Submission on July Fourth
The Declaration of Independence, drafted by the thirty three-year-old Thomas Jefferson, was ratified in Congress on July 2, 1776.
Disagreement over the Declaration
But on Monday July 1, the voices of opposition against rebellion spoke strongly in the historic halls of Philadelphia. At the sound of the opening gavel, John Dickinson a delegate from Pennsylvania, stood to his feet and spoke the unpopular words he knew would not be heeded. After all, he had repeated his stance for many months, and the delegates were very familiar with his resistance to colonial revolution. He said, “My conduct this day, I expect, will give the finishing blow to my once great … and now too diminished popularity … But thinking as I do on the subject of debate, silence would be guilt.” He continued in his attitude that revolt against Britain was premature and argued against violent measures. He again urged caution and further appeal to the crown with zeal and ardor.
Without voting consensus, Congress faced a deadlock. Dickinson’s dissent stymied the publication of Congressional intent. Without his vote for revolution, a free America might be fantasy. The vote was taken and rejected due to a handful of delegates following Dickinson’s lead. Congress would reconvene the next day, and the debate continued in bars and lodging rooms throughout the night as delegates argued and prevailed upon the opposition to submit to not only Congressional will, but to the prevailing will of the people in their colonies. The people of Pennsylvania had made it clear they supported revolution and wished the Pennsylvanian delegates to vote in support of independence.
What agreements were made that night were never recorded, but what was recorded was the absence of John Dickinson at the vote the following day. WIthout his presence, the vote passed with unanimous ease, and the American colonies declared independence from the Crown of Britain on Tuesday, July 2, 1776. That day, Dickinson submitted to his new American government and exercised his freedom by refraining from voting against his conscience.
After a week of hashing out the wording, the Declaration was celebrated and read aloud to the gathered crowd at the Statehouse on July 8. It was endorsed with congressional signatures on August 2. Dickinson refused to add his pen. And yet…
When King George sent his army to attack New York, he was one of the first to wear the colors of the new nation and lead his troops in defense of American freedom.
Submission is doing the will of another even when you disagree.
In reviewing the history of John Dickinson, this man of strong conscience, I am reminded of myself. How many times have I expressed fierce opposition to those I am teamed up with; either at church, work or home? That is what I do, I disagree! Yet, even though I hold an opinion, can I support an idea I may not concur with? Can I don the uniform and take the risk to fight for a position not my own? I hope I am learning, because this is the core of strong, godly character.
Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. Hebrews 13:16-18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:17-19
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:20-22
Submit yourselves to your masters with all respect. 1 Peter 2:18-19
A Note on the Rebellion to the Crown
Students of history have agreed that the American Revolution was sparked by a broken contract. It was not the will of the people to rebel against their God-given authority, King George III; but in ignoring the pleas of the colonial delagate for fair representation and protection, King George evicted the colonies from British liberites and attacked the new government of the States of America. My thoughts today are not on the rightness of the American Revolution, althought I believe it was a righteous enterprise, but on the dissenting voice of John Dickinson.
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